Once the clock strikes 12pm on Tuesday, this film will be set back to private. Please comment (on vimeo, not here), and for the record – you may be brutal.

Part of my contempt for the holiday is muddled with the first time I’d celebrated it outside. I was 15, mono-browed and awkward. My parents were in another room, leaving me unattended. The karaoke rodeo at the Kinabalu Yacht Club sent me a folded note:

“Howdy, apa nama?”

He looked about 20ish. This was back in my pubescence when I could barely tell the difference between a high school senior and a senior citizen. I was young, everyone past puberty was older than me and therefore an adult so really, I had no idea how old he was. An older man was coming onto me. Later in the night, a balding, pot-bellied senior would horrify me by telling me I was “sexy”.

That was the first time in my life that anyone had ever hit on me. I had unwillingly lost my flirt virginity and the karaoke man said “howdy”. Standing on an empty dance floor, with fairy lights glinting off my thick spectacles – I felt like naked cattle on a dude ranch, just trying to shake his gaze off.

Almost 10 years later and having powered through more – let’s say – grown up experiences. That moment is still as dull, creepy and wildly exaggerated as I’d remembered.

After I got home that night I wrote myself a contract and signed it at the bottom,

“I, Nadira Ilana, hereby swear to never celebrate New Years ever again.

sincerely,
Nadira Ilana“

And sealed it in a book that only I can find. I’ve broken that oath since and regretted it every time.

Every time I make an attempt it’s a disappointment. I’ll never get it. What is it about the New Year that is so special? Another excuse to party, get stuck in traffic jams and be suffocated in a club full of drunk people who are feeling like they are at the peak of their philosophical selves? Oh hell no.

Why is the new year a time to reflect when I reflect all the time? My life could start and end at any time. No ticking clock, torn calendar date, over-enthusiastic countdown nor party cracker changes the fact that time moves forward constantly. Nostalgia is just the feeling of being left behind. Let’s party together because no one wants to get left behind alone.

Those instances throughout the year that I am grateful for are worth celebrating however they cannot be summed by a year. A lifetime is perhaps more fitting but not a year. I could make promises to myself as to what I am to do in 2012 but I can’t predict the future except that there will be curve balls. How am I to know what will take place next year when I can barely recall what happened this year?

I can’t find a date for when I met such-and-such, took a stage, wrote a film or went to Berlin. I merely remember these things in anecdotes, not numbers. At best, in pictures.

I cannot count the amount of times we cut things off. I don’t even remember our anniversary. I don’t think we’ll ever know when things really ended or began and suddenly I’m meant to be measuring a chunk of my life based on a calendar I barely ever noticed. There were days would melt into each other. Events would cut across midnight and time zones. For all I know I might have had 342 days out of the year.

So why am I governed by a calendar cutting me off from me, from you, from the auld lang syne. That calendar that was only ever going to leave. I could ring in the new one, but I know it’s not going to stay, so I’d like to proceed with my life as per normal and leave the rara for when I really do have something to cheer about.

It’s just that this is one holiday that seems to have no regard for the fact that some things will always stay the same.

But in case you, the reader, finds any pleasure in celebrating this holiday than that is well too. I will leave you with a James Blake cover of my favourite Joni Mitchell song.

With that, be filled with good food, wine and music. Have a pleasant evening and a good year, if you like.

“You’re in my blood like holy wine,
your taste so bitter and so sweet
I could drink a case of you

And I would still be on my feet,
I will still be on my feet.”

This year, I’ve very quickly compiled a Christmas playlist for you to tune into over fruitcake.

From Joe Coltrane to Eartha Kitt – Amy Winehouse to Patti Smith – Otis Redding to Louis Armstrong, Florence and the Machine to Dio – this is the Feistgeist Christmas playlist – a hopeful antidote to your ordinary Christmas playlist, albeit 2 days late.

Happy holidays to all my readers (especially the secular).

“They found a new planet! It’s 600 light years away. They estimate it is earth-like but twice as big therefore with more gravity. Squashy!”

“Anything living?” I asked.

“Can’t tell yet. They also estimate a similar temperature to us based on the distance from the sun it orbits. They need more time I guess to identify the gases in the atmosphere. I will dedicate the rest of my life to removing the fiction from science so that I can take you there for lunch.”

“Did you just expand my universe?”

**cue love bubbles**

Indeed the perfect proclamation to start the day. I feel smaller now, knowing that the universe just got bigger. But when we take dark corners to whisper, the planet shrinks beneath our feet; we become bigger, and are the only two people inhabiting it.

“There is already sex education in Islam like parents should have a separate sleeping place for their children when they reach the age of seven and that women should be properly covered… Introducing sex education in schools would be like teaching thieves how to steal properly.”

- Nik Aziz, PAS President

“The 45-year-old, who cannot be named to protect the identity of the children, had subverted parts of the Quran to justify incest.

While conducting a religious lesson, he convinced his wives that he had ownership over his children, which included having sex with them. Several of his wives even helped him rape their daughters, the court was told on Thursday, in what is one of the most serious cases of sexual abuse in recent years.”

- Wives Help Man Rape, 2006, The Star

“Umno and the government feel that something like that is totally not beneficial at all. I don’t understand why they are holding this. Does it have any hidden political agendas?”
- Malaysian Deputy Prime Minister Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin

Clearly you don’t have to be gay or trans to be ‘confused’ about sex. Seksualiti Merdeka is the one of the best resources for Malaysians to have mature discussions about our LGBTIQ community and what it means to be a sexual being.

Un-ban Seksualiti Merdeka!

Away on a feature shoot. Will be back by Christmas.

Much love,
Feistgeist

It’s better than being impassioned – it’s not being indifferent

I know this comes across as a bit wanky or preachy but look – it’s some kind of an epiphany, surely.

Kampung Ayer, Kota Kinabalu

Jubilation at the Wah Co.

Cockscratch

I’ll say something intelligent when I’m not so hungover.

I’m gonna be on BFM on Monday at 12pm although I’m not sure if it’s going to be a live broadcast. Whaffor? Oh. Because I’m gonna be speaking at TedxKL. If you can’t catch it on the radio, you can find the podcast on BFM’s website.

This year the theme is “we have a secret.” I’m gonna be talking about ‘Who are we censoring in cinema?’ I’ll be addressing when people started censoring cinema, why are we still doing it now and the impact that it has on the relationship between society and its governance.

Where: Black Box, MapKL – Publika, Solaris Dutamas, Kuala Lumpur
When: 12pm – 7.30pm, 20th August (Saturday)

You can buy your tickets online or at the door. Oh boy. Knots in my belleh now.

edit:

If you missed the show today, here’s the podcast. Special thanks to BFM, Frida Liew, Daniel Cerventus and TEDxKL.

http://podcast.bfm.my/podcast/e?file=assets/files/Tech_Talk/2011.08.15_TT_TEDxKL.mp3&t=TEDxKL2011

It freaks me out because I remember being 14 and I had just read Waris Dirie‘s ‘Desert Flower‘.

I brought it up with my female classmates and as we were walking out of Pendidikan Islam. They said that female circumcision (not female genital mutilation) was ‘perfectly normal’ and that it had been done to them and it probably had been done to me too. I freaked out. I’m still not sure but my parents have some answering to do in the morning. [edit: joys of joys! The mother has confirmed, I am intact!!!]

Years later, someone says something silly on Facebook and I’ve finally had the chance to address the redundancy of female circumcision, once and for all:

————

I am well aware that there will be countless other texts and Islamic debates surrounding female circumcision but this is the first thing that came up in my search and I shall base my arguments on it ‘Medical Benefits of Female Circumcision’ : http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/45528 In case you have trouble finding it (the link’s a little weird), try searching the response title or fatwa 45528.

“The fitrah is five things – or five things are part of the fitrah – circumcision, shaving the pubes, plucking the armpit hairs, cutting the nails, and trimming the moustache.” narrated by al-Bukhaari (5889) and Muslim (257).”

Male and female circumcision was impressed upon me in school but why not the other four fitrahs? Ah! Because they have nothing to do with one’s libido.

“The secretions of the labia minora accumulate in uncircumcised women and turn rancid, so they develop an unpleasant odour which may lead to infections of the vagina or urethra.”

Another idiotic statement. One, the labia is flesh. It doesn’t secrete anything but sweat, lest we should circumcise your forehead. Two, there are countless forms of female sanitation products out there. There’s douching, there’s soap specifically for your privates, there are even wet wipes for the poon. Actually, most experts say it’s best to just wash the vagina with plain warm water because the vagina is self-cleaning and excessive use of soap is more likely to give you an infection. It is a delicate part of your body that is susceptible to infection and so is your mouth, which has similar tissue.

Please read: http://www.livestrong.com/article/12495-the-vagina/

It’s like the Syeikh is saying, “hey! Let’s not worry about hygiene and maintenance! Let’s just cut your genitals off! Just a little bit!” But what if I cut off your nose or finger just a little bit?

The article continues:

“Circumcision reduces excessive sensitivity of the clitoris which may cause it to increase in size to 3 centimeters when aroused, which is very annoying to the husband, especially at the time of intercourse.”

This is absolute prejudice towards women who have large clits or long labias. Clitorises and labias vary in sizes. Each vagina is unique. The very insinuation that a man might be ‘annoyed’ by his wife’s body is disgusting especially considering Muslim women are meant to be modestly covered and judged based on their actions, not their looks.

I strongly urge you to watch this entire documentary titled ‘The Perfect Vagina’ and see how women in the UK who are not necessarily Muslims, are hacking off their bits to have smaller parts to please men.

The perfect vagina from heather leach on Vimeo.

Back to the article: “Another benefit of circumcision is that it prevents stimulation of the clitoris which makes it grow large in such a manner that it causes pain. “

My lesbian friend said she’d slept with a woman whose clitoral hood had been removed. It made her clitoris more sensitive and she could only be stimulated through her labia or cloth because direct contact hurt too much. I can only imagine how much more it would suck for a lesbian to have clitoral complications.

There’s also no such thing as a clitoris naturally swelling to the point where it hurts unless injury or too much friction has been incurred on it.

“Circumcision prevents spasms of the clitoris which are a kind of inflammation.”

It’s a spasm. It’s an organ. An organ with blood in it.

spasm |ˈspazəm|

noun

a sudden involuntary muscular contraction or convulsive movement.

———-

inflammation |ˌinfləˈmā sh ən|

noun

a localized physical condition in which part of the body becomes reddened, swollen, hot, and often painful, esp. as a reaction to injury or infection : chronic inflammation of the nasal cavities.

They’re not the same, you misguided prude. Learn how a vagina works! What ever are you going to do with the 71 (72?) virgins you meet in heaven?

The author of the article then seeks medical advice from a female Muslim doctor. Among her four reasons of the benefits of female circumcision were “to decrease excessive sexual libido.” The other three were pertaining to hygiene, which I had addressed earlier.

The very notion that circumcision is deliberately inflicted upon women to curb their sexual desires is absolutely disgusting, to say the least.

In a society that is now obsessed with aphrodisiacs, why decrease a woman’s libido? Islam also says that a woman should not turn away her husband when he desires intercourse. How can they deliberately null a woman’s libido while the man can have FOUR wives whom have half the libido they’re meant to. Furthermore we now have the Obedient Wives Club who do everything the Qur’an tells them to – most likely including female circumcision (which isn’t even in the Qur’an) – WHILST encouraging wives to satisfy their husbands sexually regardless of their own sexual needs.

Furthermore, you cannot compare female circumcision to male circumcision. The male organ is much bigger than the female sexual organ. You’re removing a more substantial area of the woman’s genitalia by comparison.

Muslim women are getting circumcised for nothing but chauvinistic male and female prejudice towards women’s perfectly healthy bodies as made by their Allah. There is absolutely no reason, especially in this day and age where a woman would require for her clitoral hood, labia or clitoris to be removed. These purposeful and perfectly designed parts are all meant to be there.

There are countless amounts of hygiene products that are out there designed specifically for women. Gynecologists and obstetricians galore. Trust me, the vagina has a great chance of existing safely in this cruel world! Moreover, if a good Muslim woman holds true to the good values within Islam, would she really have problems curbing her actions in spite of her temptations? A woman is not something you spay like a cat or dog.

As for HIV – HIV is spread through the exchange of contaminated body fluids. It’s a virus, after all. It can be spread through needles, it could be spread through a cut. It can be genetic or spread through sex, but most commonly – promiscuous, unprotected sex.

Gay men were thought to be responsible for the outbreak of HIV but that’s only because promiscuity and unprotected sex was common among men during the 90s, before knowledge of HIV prevention methods were commonplace. That, and anal sex is more traumatic to the body, causing breakages and infection.

Research shows that gay men are more sexually active. Bisexual and heterosexual people come next. Incidentally, lesbians have the least sex. Hence, the correlation between male homosexuality and the spread of HIV. Women have ‘innies’. Saying that, it’s uncommon for lesbians to transmit HIV to their partners unless blood or vaginal fluids from an HIV positive partner enter the woman’s vagina or bloodstream.

So does female circumcision really reduce the risk of being infected with HIV? No. But by this logic, we should also:

a) remove all penises
b) remove/stitch up our assholes (regardless of gender)

You can’t cut off a person’s hands just in case they might steal. You can’t say that circumcision was subscribed by Islam to prevent an illness that was only discovered in 1981.

“The trial in Kisumu, Kenya, of 2,784 HIV-negative men showed a 53 percent reduction of HIV acquisition in circumcised men relative to uncircumcised men, while a trial of 4,996 HIV-negative men in Rakai, Uganda, showed that HIV acquisition was reduced by 48 percent in circumcised men.” - http://www.defending-islam​.com/page141.html

The statistics don’t indicate the individual’s sex drive, class, religious beliefs, their age or marriage status. It suggests that male circumcision provides a sort of ‘immunity’ towards HIV, which is grossly misinterpreted information. Why else would men and women be cautioned to wear condoms? There are other promising scientific studies that support male circumcision reducing the risk of HIV but none would yet claim this as a gospel truth.

It still doesn’t make much sense to me. Either you cover up the whole penis with a condom, or you expose the member further. Yeah. Doesn’t quite make sense to me.

———

Female circumcision, fitrah? Really. I’d rather just pluck my armpit hair. My clitoral hood is not a toenail for you to trim, fuck damnit.

‘Tis said that Nabi Muhammad once proclaimed, “circumcision is a Sunnah for men, and an honour for women.” I’m not sure about the ‘honour’ bit but it’s not compulsory and neither is it necessary. If tattoos and other forms of bodily mutilation are forbidden in Islam, why isn’t female circumcision and FGM in general?